lord knows i am a girl who keeps herself inside herself. i am covering my skin from head to toe despite the fact i was never told my wrists were a sin merely because it is cold i promise. it feels good to see small cuts and scrapes on my ankles and elbows. i would never make them myself. something is spilling out of me that i cannot contain. it is hot and overflows like soft liquid gelatin warming my face and reddening my eyes. if i swallow my own hands they can’t hurt anyone. so much washes over me i cannot stomach anymore but i will keep drinking. tepid bathwater leaks from the corner of my mouth staining the bedsheets inviting duckweed and mosquito larvae it isn’t red or pearly white yet it clings to the black powder coat nonetheless. i carry an overflowing cup in my two hands. my balance has always been remarkably poor. i feel good so much of the time. so many somethings exist in the ventricles and empty hollow spaces in my chest. if i keep my crying to the office when other people work from home nobody will hear me. i don’t know why i cry when i’m happy. i don’t know why i cry when i’m happy. my hands are cold and cannot move dextrous but i’m going to keep holding this cup. i bite my lips until they scab and pull the skin off til it bleeds and the selfish beast i am will still expect you to kiss me. when you smile like that i want to tangle you inside my ribs and never let go. i get clear saliva on your pillow when i sleep next to you but i still ask to do it. brackish saline sits behind my teeth at all hours. i am being so good about this. i wish i could sew my chest closed and keep the stitches neat because it swings on broken hinges and keeps falling open. it’s gross. it’s gross. it’s gross. i’m tired. i don’t wish things were different. i wish it felt like anything when i hold myself. all i can feel are my nails. i’ll spit it all up into the sink. i have to let go of your hand at some point i know my fingers are cold but may i please have five more minutes.

josephine whittock (she/her) is a horror and weirdfiction writer based in the west coast. her work has been published in Arkana, bodyfluids, HAUNTER Review, and Speak the Sojourner. she enjoys spooky games, baking for her friends, and contemplating what it means to be a digitalgirl. you can find her at @words.by.jw on instagram.